Yippee! Ah, what a day. Few have ever heard of it, fewer still ever had the desire to see it. Virtually no one has actually had the guts to, and only sixteen people in existence have ever admitted to seeing it. I am number seventeen! That’s right, I’m talking about … Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. It was… beautiful. Sniff.

Why do I bring this up? Oh, just with the talk of Global Warming (shudder), terrorist threats and whatnot, I just thought I’d point out that proverb from MIB, “There’s always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!” Well, that turned out to be false, evidently. We know about the threats, the bad stuff that is happening, just as we knew of the bomb in the Cuban Missile Crisis. So what? Do I care? Dr. Stranglove seemed pleased with the prospect of a disaster, so why shouldn’t I?

If I seem flippant, it’s because I am. Why? I happen to be a Christian. What does this mean? It means I know that all of humanity will never be wiped out. You see, we got this Bible, and it says so. We won’t turn into a sun, we won’t all get blown up by suiciders… suaciders… sooisidars? And we most certainly won’t run out of room to walk on this earth and starve ourselves. Trust me on the last one, Texas has more empty land than the moon’s surface, and we could always irragate… dang spelling!… the deserts.

So when you hear some scientist say, “What we are about to test is a bomb that could wipe out all life on earth,” or, “We are all going to freeze to death very soon in the next ice age,” or in the very next generation, “global warming is going to melt us all!” just realize it’s not going to happen. Bad stuff may happen, but not that.

All this said, if I ever joke about wanting banana trees in Texas (and I do) or Russia to be the new Caribbean (everyone would get drunk a lot less) know that I am just being flippant… and honest. Not that it’s going to happen, Russia will probably be the frozen hell that it is until the good Lord comes back. Maybe we could speed the process up a little. Okay, on the count of three everyone blow up a tree.