Right, so, first, a slight recap with softer language. Courtship and dating are not sins, but I have a problem with them and a lot of its applications as I have seen. Great results have been done with both, mostly by courtship, but right now, I want to set aside results and go with Scripture. No I’m not saying courtshipers have never thought of Scripture, but that they might be wrong in this particular aspect of interpretation. Last time, I mostly pointed out my love for arranged marriage, but I hardly even touched why I don’t like courtship. Allow me, please, to explain.

First off, why don’t we as reformed peeps like dating? In general, I mean, not as a whole. It is because it takes the authority away from the father, has dangerous alone time, and seems too casual, blah blah blah, we got that, and agree. Why do “we” (not I said the fly) like courtship? That alone time is gone, usually, because of chaperons, it is considered serious, and it puts the authority back to the parents. Perfect! I like these aspects, by the way.

Now, allow me to diverge into a different headship discussion. Pastors. We complain about many Baptists because they take the authority away from the pastor and still give him the responsibility. With husbands, it’s the opposite complaint, they may give the authority to the wife while still having responsibility for the household. Both are bad. Agreed? I hope so.

Okay, back to courtship. Let’s ask some questions. I love Q and A.

Q. Who has the authority? A. The fathers.

Q. Who has the responsibility? A. The Fathers… don’t they?

In some cases, perhaps, but never in my experience or witness. Who is expected to be the one with the most pressure, who is being the one who gets blamed when it all falls apart, and who is getting the run over to see whether or not he is a mature, financially stable, righteous individual? (In what I have seen among reformers, not in EVERY case, I am sure!) A. The one who gets it in the end is usually the boy. Not that the girl doesn’t get hurt in the process, but that hurts the boy too if he is a Christian. Like I said earlier, I couldn’t care less how it goes down if they are infidels. Call me racist. (AH! Slipping into callous jerk again! Drink another beer… ah, that’s better.)

Here is the problem, the man is supposed to go after the girl through the father, right? That sounds great, except for this is a boy we are talking about. A big boy, but a boy never the less. I don’t care who it is, if he is male and he is under 45, and not married, he is immature and in serious need of a woman to set him straight. He cannot be a well rounded, stable individual unless he has a reason to… like the few that God has chosen to be celibate. If you are one of these men, please stop reading this, this is not directed at you in ANYway shape or form.

Look at us, guys! We are men. We go out to explore, we fight wars, we protect and club and yell and sweat. A man is not rooted down until he has his first child. Until then, they are warriors, they might miss home, but they are destined to leave the home… unless they are those particular nerds who are thirty and still live with mom. (No offence to nerds or Mom.) This happened to my once crazy brother-in-law, and everyone else that I now that has a kid now. (The maturing after their child’s birth, not the nerd.) It is not isolated, it happens in America, Romania, Italy, England, India, and I’m sure a lot of other places that I have not been to have the same thing. Family changes a man, and a woman… but in different ways.

The great thing about arranged marriage is that the father looks to the other father to see what the son WILL be… if the father trained the son for the job. The son is not the father, but he is an extension of him, and if he has good report, a brief discussion should be all that is needed to find out compatibility with his daughter, whom he knows intimately… right?

So man up, father! (Not that you aren’t, but if you are not, do so.) Don’t put all the pressure on the lad, for this should be new to him, and he is scared. He might have “feelings,” but you can smash them and turn them to darkness very easily. Don’t allow this to happen, you be the initiator! You go out and find your daughter a husband that get’s along well with her, that is her friend, perhaps, and whose father is an upright, Christian man who says his son would do well for your daughter. Trust each other, and trust God. The bud of friendship will bloom from brother and sister in Christ to a household worthy to serve the Lord. Your job is not to raise your daughter to be a perfect woman, but to raise her up to be a suitable helpmeet for a man who needs help. The two will make one, and they will be that mature, Christian family that unites your two households. A perfect picture of Christ and the Church to form… The Kingdom Complete!

Whoa, I don’t know what happened there. I got carried away, big time. At least I was honest.

This does not give the boy an excuse for being a rapist, or a thief, or a complete moron, but it’s a reminder to the fathers that the boy… is a boy. Get over it.

But is all that a legitimate reason? No, it is not. If the Bible says otherwise, then let all my words fall to ash!

Personally, to make it personal… I don’t think this is the only way. The Bible has other ways, such as with Ruth and Boaz. I like their story, and so does God. He says so. The law chose them. Why are we so afraid of the different? Why is it that if I say these things, many look at me like I am a freak? Show me the arguments’ errors, brothers, do not yell at me. If this is the better way, why not chose it? If you don’t want to, fine, go on and do what you want to do, but why? Are we not here to raise the Kingdom up to what is more perfect? Are we not here to bring Kingdom to Earth? Is this not what Reformers stand for? True ones? Remember, we are His, and we are not to rely on other’s understandings alone, but Scripture is our stronghold, as it was with Martin Luther, Calvin, Augustine. This may be the last time on this blog you hear me be this serious with no sarcasm, so enjoy it. Remember where we have come from. It is the smallest compromises that make Rome fall. It is the desire for something better, not the best, that brings Russians to Romania’s door. I am not saying “my” way is better, I am saying that what is in Scripture is the best. I am not sorry if that offends anyone… for if it does, we are lost.

Your friendly reminder,

Caleb

From Wednesday night to Friday afternoon a couple weeks ago, I worked almost exclusively on a paper proposal (abstract) for my History Colloquium class. It was the sort where you have to have your topic, sources, thesis and supporting argumentation—your paper in all but implementation—already decided and articulated in your abstract. I hadn’t done any work on it until Wednesday. Resultantly, much caffeine and stress ensued, and only four hours of sleep until Friday night.

But wait (as they say), there’s more! When I got home after turning in the abstract, the document was still up on my desktop, and as I scrolled back through it with great satisfaction, I realized that my last-minute margins adjustment to 1″ from the 0.79″ default (stupid, OpenOffice) had seriously rearranged my bibliography indentations. I didn’t end up failing the assignment, but regardless, it caused me no small mental agitation.

Which ultimately led me to recognize again something about how God deals with us in our self-importance. I say recognize again because this is a pattern I’ve observed before, but seem to forget without God’s occasional humbling reminders. Almost like I’m a fallen son of Adam or something. God blesses my endeavors much more than I deserve, given how often I am lazy or unfocused—not exactly working heartily as unto the Lord. But often, as I scramble to salvage the consequences of my own irresponsibility, I give no time to prayer and Bible reading. I neglect those around me. And in God’s mercy, I get flattened. Two verses in closing:

“For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” — Hebrews 12:6 (ESV)

“For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” — 2 Corinthians 7:10 (ESV)

This and Nathaniel’s post on audience have got me thinking and somewhat re-working my approach. In fact, this is an attempt at a short to medium post that puts forth a thought for consideration. Now there is, of course, an appropriate way to strategize and target your audience. That’s what this post is about. But targeting your audience doesn’t mean broadening your appeal¹ so much as knowing your audience, like Nat said, and producing good content.

As should be apparent, this is really just a good business model — it applies to blogging almost informally. Companies like Apple, Inc. understand this.² Apple has a niche market and focuses on content that resonates within this group, to the extent that Jobs has what is termed a “cult following” [warning: link contains some language]. After all, Macs just work. Nevertheless, Apple is also a good example of a company that expanded its focus to great advantage (read: iPhone).

Conversely, Microsoft wants the whole market — go big or go home. Call it biting off more than you can chew, taking in too much territory, or whatever; but Microsoft tries to cover a broad range of user needs, hardware manufacturers and platforms, and comes up short on the quality front. Not content to focus on what it does best (using the term generously), Microsoft is constantly competing with Sony, Apple, Google, Gmail and Linux. And — whether it’s gaming consoles, hardware, media players, operating systems, communication services or search engines — you get a lineup of products doomed to eternal second place.

I could regale you with talk of BSODs, driver headaches and viruses, Windows ME and Vista, but the goal was merely to demonstrate what I mean by “the myth of relevance.” Just getting the most customers or the biggest audience is not an end unto itself. A streamlined, focused business model and quality control builds and retains a loyal consumer following. Spyderco is a good example. With only 30 employees and direct input from owner/founder Sal Glesser, there is a personal attention to quality and focus on customer relations that makes a Spyderco owner feel included, as it were. One wants the same sort of connection with a blog audience.

Finally, one more application: churches. There are, sadly, a lot of churches that would cut off their doctrinal arm to be “relevant.” They are the seeker-friendly, spiritual-milk, easy-believism variety. As Pastor Terry Tollefson is fond of saying, if the young people aren’t coming, break out the pizza, guitars, low lights and couches. Preach what people like to hear. Tickle ears. Unfortunately, they — just like the girl with mismatched shoes (one Converse and maybe a fur-trimmed boot is about right), striped leggings, outlandish hair and the “raccoon” style eyeliner — are pitching an indiscriminate appeal for attention. But attention is not an end to itself. You want the right kind of attention, the right kind of publicity. To quote Pastor Doug Wilson in a related vein, “Young Christian people should seek to become the kind of person that the kind of person they would want to marry would want to marry.”

Churches should want to attract people because of the strong preaching of law and condemnation in tension with grace and love, the unity, fellowship and accountability. The robust doctrine of Psalms and liturgy. The corporate-ness of Christ’s body. If someone is repelled by any of these things, that’s the way it should be — that’s the only hope for them. Diluting the truth until no one feels convicted is doing no one any favors. Taking the potency from worship and the doctrine from the songs is what, in other venues, would be called false advertising.

The church, properly functioning, shows people where they stand in relation to the body of Christ. When this is not done, people either discover spiritual meat at some point and have no taste for it, or settle into a warm, fuzzy, God-isn’t-about-guilt version of Christianity. (Just as long as I don’t have to do anything uncomfortable, like loving unlovable old people in nursing homes or confessing sins or letting grudges go.) On rare occasion, they realize they aren’t getting fed and look for a body to keep them accountable, words they can chew on — the Word himself.

So then, what I’ve called the “myth” of relevance is the notion that attracting attention, broadening appeal or increasing numbers is anything to aim for. At best, you will raise lukewarm interest in your lukewarm product. At worst, you will fill the Church with people who wouldn’t be there if they knew the way is narrow, and deter those who would only be there if they did. If I have spent time and digital ink on this last point, it’s because I’m serious. In any of these applications, there are some people to whom you don’t want to be relevant, and especially when it concerns the sanctification of Christ’s bride.

But, as always, that sanctification should flow out through all our endeavors, even our blogs. And yes, as a short to medium post, this is a fail. Oh well, semper reformanda and all that.

I just wrote a paper on Christians and deception, so I’ve thought this over a bit recently. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying “Fine,” in response to “How’re you doing?” especially when asked by, say, the grocery store clerk. Most people don’t expect any more than a one-word courtesy answer. But as of late, when any of my friends or acquaintances asks me how I’m doing, I tend to respond more thoughtfully. It may be “I’m pretty tired and unproductive. Hopefully today will be better. How are you?” Or, depending on the person and their interest in encouraging and exhorting me, I might share my struggles and ask for prayer.

There are two basic truths here: speak appropriately to the situation, and be concerned for the welfare of others. In my paper, I came to the conclusion that (shocker) it comes down to heart motives. For example, some falsehoods actually convey a more important truth, as God’s deception of his enemies communicates His justice and truth. When you say that you’d love to have someone over for dinner even though you inwardly chafe at the inconvenience, it communicates that you value their company and wish to bless them; this is as it should be, and there is no need to let them know about your moment of ungodly selfishness. You know better, deal with it, and prepare dinner in the right spirit.

That was rather long-winded, but I’m tired. What I’m trying to say is that the radical honesty approach has its good applications, and its flaws as well. Sometimes we most certainly should not tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

As to the second point, let us return to the grocery store example. Or coffee shop. As I mentioned, I have been being more thoughtful in my communications with others, say, when in line for coffee at Bucer’s. (Bucer’s is a Moscow coffee shop, where I get lots of schoolwork done. Really, I do.) But sometimes they weren’t really looking for more than “I’m good,” and sometimes it’s just inconsiderate to dump your stress on someone else. The point is, in your openness and communication, be sure you are seeking to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29).

Which brings us to what Nat said about finding out what’s happening with others. It can be difficult when they think you’re asking a trite question, but I’ve witnessed many examples of friends showing a sincere interest in the other’s welfare, and it really isn’t that hard to do. When you respond honestly and show an interest in others in your daily conversations, others notice and it benefits everyone. Encourage and sharpen one another (Prov. 27:17).

To wrap up: parents, messy lives, and God. As painful as it can be, I believe it is always best to talk to your parents and work things out. It makes your relationship stronger and enables growth as Christians. Parents are the first sphere of authority set in place by God, and they love you. And life is short. Don’t let relationships fall apart and erode. Don’t let the distance grow. Lives are messy, both ours and others’. Paul wrote as the “chief of sinners” to some new-Testament Christians with terribly messy lives, but God draws straight with crooked lines. Within covenant and communion, we have already overcome the wicked one. Sanctification is a process, but the battle is, in one sense, over.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” — 1 Peter 5:6-11

And then when we got home, Ashley, Joella, Elliot and I sat in the car and had some honest discussion.

Which has got me thinking. You know how when everything is wrong in your life and someone asks how you’re doing and you say ‘fine’? You know how you get sick of that lie over and over again and wish you would just say ‘terrible’ when someone asks you?

So what if your life is utterly chaos and despair and you hide it all behind a mask? What then? Where do you begin to recover? How do you break out?

My best guess is just starting with one person and telling them the truth when they ask. But my fear is that when you’d tell one person, you’d have to tell everybody the truth. And then what happens? They tell your parents and your world comes crashing down in a painful talk? That’s not something I want to do.

Or what if you or I started being a lot more honest to everybody? I know there are books about this. “Radical honesty”, I’ve heard the term. I distrust it because I guess it’s psychobabble. But I think there is some power in the truth whether they’re right or wrong. What if we knew what was happening in our friends’ and families’ lives instead of giving trite answers and asking questions we don’t really want to have answered? What if we actually considered that the lives of everybody around us might be just as complicated and messy as ours or even more so?

I know I’m generalizing here, but consider the questions nonetheless, I ask. I know they’re just questions, but hopefully our lives will change, even if little by little, hopefully we’ll slowly find answers to these questions. Maybe there will be different answers. I don’t know. But I do know that I’ve heard that people pay more attention when questions are answered that they already asked, so ask the questions and then we’ll try to find the answers, God help us.

I want to say my inspiration comes from Jason Kottke and Seth Godin. There’s probably some other stuff in there, too. I know Jason’s mostly an editor now in the sense that he doesn’t create most of his content, but rather points it out and comments on it. But some of his earlier stuff was more personal. And he points out such interesting stuff.

Seth Godin is a marketer. A genius, I’d say. He seems to spout a continuous stream of good stuff on his blog. And it’s not cheesy. I don’t know that he’s a Christian, but he has an ethic that really appeals to me as a Christian: hard work, innovation, courage, and that sort of thing. And his posts usually aren’t all that long.

So, I think I have some stuff to say worth saying here that I could put in a somewhat similar format. The question is, with Matthew not posting an equivalent amount (not necessarily a bad thing), am I going to be posting too much? (For what? Fairness? Equality? My own good?). That’s the question I wish to ask Matthew and all you who read this.

What say you?