Wow, I’m bored. Let’s see what else in here. Wow! Taylor Swift just made a song that slammed her ex in the broken face! That is so interesting. And yet not.

Whoa, a map that shows how poverty stricken the USA is with most people only being able to settle with a iPhone 3G. All those poor people who can’t afford an iPhone 4! It’s so heart rending. Those starving Californians.

Anyways, point made. I hate what we’ve decided to call news these days. In the good ole’ times of King Henry VIII, news was to make fun of rulers behind the king’s back, revealing what a jerk he was. Nowadays, all the news is good for is to be reminded that politics is corrupt, and country singers hate their exes… exs… ex’s? Or whatever the plural of ex is.

Why can’t we only have news when there’s something to news about? I don’t want to know if an NFL player got flagged for leapfrogging (literally) someone from his own team, or how many people the Islamic soldiers kill per day, or if Russia is considering… joining the USA… led missile shield. Uh, actually, that last one was okay. Let me check this out.

The missile shield is suppose to protect Europe, and the USA and Russia are going to make it. Why? Oh well, just goes to show that the news, for all its biased stupidity, still has a few good uses. Like letting me know the biased stupidity of everyone else. That’s always fun.

Now, if you will excuse me, I want to see the chances of Russia using this to assassinate some leaders. I wonder if there’s a color chart on Yahoo! News.

Yeah, yeah, so our tax money that we gave the Fed to give back to us is kind of missing, or in the Twilight Zone, as I like to say, but we all know where it is, so why are we so surprised? I mean, this is what politicians love to do, right? Same thing would have happened if “Conservative” Reps. had been in office. Let us remember who nationalized the banks. That’s right, D.H., I’m talking to you! Anyways, I didn’t want to talk about the “P” word (olitics) , so I won’t.

Now, back to health care. Where’s that quote? “Stimulus funds for Social Security recipients such as seniors, disabled persons, or veterans could get a $250 stimulus payment pending Congress’ approval of a measure backed by the Obama administration.” Yeah! Wait, wrong one. Oh well, at least seniors, disabled persons, or veterans could get a few hundred bucks out of this deal. Makes everything seem worthwhile! I mean, how could the world possibly get any better?

Man, these quotes are so unreliable. I can’t find any to talk about health care. Let me try again. “Federal stimulus money means the Charleston school district won’t need extra booster club funding – at least not this year – and could avoid budget cuts like the district went through earlier this year.” Oh goody, Charleston school district can wait a year before firing all of their teachers, thanks to drowning the economy in taxes. My life has purpose and meaning at last.

I’m not going to try to many more of these. “The Federal Highway Administration funded all $27.5 billion of its economic Stimulus Funds for highway and bridge projects by its Sept. 30 deadline.” “Some of the $203 million in stimulus funds provided to the Internal Revenue Service through last year’s Recovery Act are at risk of being misspent due to continued problems with contract oversight, according to a new government report.” “The Great Recession is over.”

That tears it! I’m never going to quote from these loser news sites again. All the AP can think about is “stimulus funds this,” and “stimulus funds that.” The last quote should tell us it doesn’t matter anyways, right? We’re in the green and everything is gonna be alright. Well, sorry everyone. Maybe we can talk about health care next time, and how the stimulus funds are boosting it so much.

“Canada’s top Olympic official sees no reason to worry about the women’s hockey team’s beer-swigging, cigar-smoking celebration of its gold-medal victory over the U.S. team.” says VANCOUVER, British Columbia. (AP)

First off, I just want to say how I appreciate the fact that they don’t worry over hockey-women, who are masculine already, and the fact that they swig beer and smoke cigars. So… why did this make news? Why does any of the Olympics make news anyways? Sure, it’s entertaining to see girls smash each others’ teeth out with a stick, but why report it on televised news when everyone had already it on televised programs. “Just in case you didn’t see it the first time, let’s show it again with back story.” I hate mainstream media almost as much as I hate Canadian hockey chicks! Why would girls do that? Don’t they know they look like men when they wear those big suits?

And another thing, why are all the headlines in Bulgaria about women’s hockey? You’d think they could talk about their pollution, their communism, their stupidity, anything! But nooo! They have to focus on meaningless news and pretend it’s okay. At least this post has a purpose. It’s to rant. Mission accomplished.

So, yes, that was a while ago. Let’s move on to “current events.” Like the health care thing. It passed, right, or it’s about to? Same thing applies. It will not—but should I say it? I guess I already have—MATTER! So we’re more Socialist than we were yesterday. Big deal. Why make news out of it? We know we’re becoming the new Nazi party; stop telling us the step by step updates. It has no purpose. If I were to write news, and I don’t, I would only tell news when there was news to tell. That is probably why I would be out of a job in minutes.

So, that was my rant for the evening. I’ll expect that I offended at least one poor Bulgarian. Just remember; I disclaimed, therefore I’m safe… right?